HEADCLEANER & the Desk Monkeys
This was a spoof band I was in (2000-2001), with two workmates of the time, Keith Richardson & Rich Vernon. The whole mad idea was based on the cruel 'Desk Monkey' nickname of a certain member of staff that used to do our heads in ! The original song we chose to cover was Motorhead's "Ace of Spades", which we did in a loungecore style, and people loved it. It even got played on Forth FM ! There was a whole concept album planned, "Asparagus Codpiece" and 2 other tracks were done ("Mankind, I Feel Like a Monkey", and "Call Me/Retaliation"), all rewritten with monkey-themed lyrics. Headcleaner was an alien leader monkey who came to planet earth with his army of desk moneys to exact war through their awful monkey synth music and ginger fringes. Two gigs were perfome, both of which received some kind of odd ovation. A reunion is not an impossibility, really. Click the 4 images on the left for the mad YouTube vids, and listen below to our hit !
Ace of Spades
DiRECTiONS
OTHER
Outside of my main music-writing with Bill, I have dabbled in some other stuff, mostly for my own amusement, or to amuse friends, only semi-serious in general. Have a gander at the weird variety on offer below...!
BETTER THAN CHOCOLATE The Musical
This was a complete musical written in 1999 with my actor partner, Roland Curram. I wrote the musical score, and Roland wrote the book and lyrics. It told the corny rags-to-riches fairy-tale-like story of a young chocoholic gospel singer, Hattie, who loves to sing in her local church, and is a massive fan of Ryan Steele, the iconic popstar of the day. Unlucky in love, and unhappy about her weight, she writes a love letter to Ryan, and he gets back in touch, and they meet. Love blossoms, but his drug habits, ex wife, and bad associations don't make for a smooth ride. However, amidst various troubles, Hattie gets to be his backing singer, and she eventually helps him clean up his act to be the man she dreamed he'd be, while she becomes a star. A full cast reading with professional actors was held in 1996, and it made it through a few rounds in the prestigious Vivien Ellis Prize in London. All the songs plus an overture were recorded, with the vocals parts being performed by Paul, Roland, and seasoned musical theatre friends Monica Bravo (play song below) and Jan Waters. There are currently no plans to give this show another shot, so it's indefinitely on the shelf, but some of the tunes might have a life. Click below to hear one of the duets from the show.
That's the Wonder Now
GODSPELL
Back in September 1993, when I was a youngster of 28, I joined a local amateur group called The Celebration Theatre Company. They had been together a few years and had done a few shows, but I replied to an advert in the local paper where they were looking to cast Jesus and John the Baptist in their production of the Stephen Schwartz 70s musical, Godspell, based on the parables in the Gospel According to St Matthew. I fancied a go at a bit of acting, so I auditioned, and was asked by director Alan Ward to sing Love Changes Everything, and I was duly given the role of Jesus. We rehearsed for about six weeks, and did the show over four exclusive nights at St Paul's Church Centre, Brentford, London. I was the oldest in the cast, most of the roles were taken by kids in their late teens or early twenties. There was also a choir of schoolchildren. The production was a big success, and I got positive reviews ! My costume was a pair of stripey clown's trousers, braces, a T-shirt with a 'J' on it, and I made my entrance doing an arab spring through the audience. I totally enjoyed the experience, it was tough, a lot of dialogue for me, mostly Biblical in nature. The songs really grew on me, it's a really great score, (most known for Day By Day), and a colourful, vibrant and thought-provoking piece. Nothing to view online, although I do have the show on VHS !! This show proved to be a one-off for me, my choice, but I'd love to be in another musical, especially if it was Mamma Mia !
JUST FOR LAUGHS
I am always finding something silly that I want to sing and record, to make myself laugh, as well as friends, family and work colleagues. Here are a few examples of weird stuff that has come about through private jokes or just having a laugh. Apologies if anything freaks you out, or makes little or no sense. I guess you just had to be there !
The Ken Song
He wore a deerstalker, rode a moped with no engine, stole steak from Tesco, leered a lot, had a pug nose, upside-down mouth and egg-shaped stomach. He did good work, but would often turn up un-planned at Bill's house and guiltily utter the immortal words, "Ello Bill" when Bill answered his knock on the door. This phrase can be heard in the song, and over the centuries it has evolved into the abbreviated version, "Eh !" Ken used to pry into your life, wondering how much money you had (Bill mainly), and sniggering if things weren't going well, while he himself was always down on his luck. He once dyed his hair orange and green, wore a cowboy tie, cowboy hat, and once brandished a baseball bat at his landlady, while in his knickers. His other catchphrase was, "Where's that old bird?" and he once tried to encourage me and Bill to steal goods from a garden centre. I could go on...
The song is performed, in turn, by myself, Bill, and then Jenny and Juliette, our well-known friends and helpers of the time.
Written to the tune of My Old Man's a Dustman, this little ditty was all about the legend that was Bill's gardener, Ken. So much has been said and written and joked about him, but it's wrong (they say) to speak ill of the dead. Suffice to say he was a character.........and then some !
Ten Green Bottles
This is my own crazy version of the well-known kids' song, done for a friend's daughter, back in the 80s, using several silly voices to hopefully amuse and make her laugh. I think it did the trick.
0494 452287
Back when I lived in High Wycombe, 41 Chairborough Road, to be exact, I chose to record a fun outgoing message for the ansaphone, but singing what I might normally speak, to an original tune. Here's the jingle that resulted...
Lorraine, We Love You!
Working in an edit suite (1999), cutting countless TV clips, many from GMTV, occasionally took its toll. There was a glorious phase of madness where my co-workers and I got the Lorraine Kelly bug....a love/hate thing....as we were subject to what she'd say repeatedly each day (Hello there). The only way to cure madness is to indulge in it, so I wrote this tribute song to her. I played it to Simon Cowell (pre fame), who passed on it, saying it was good, but the wrong celeb for such a novelty record at the time. Lorraine's agent loved it and said she would too, but I never heard the official word..
Sometime mid 1988, Bill was laid up in his bed with an illness, so I conceived something to entertain and amuse him while he lay there bored. I put together a medley of our fans' favourite songs of the time and chose 13 friends and fans to sing the lyrics, taking it in turns, like Band Aid ! The process was a rather hilarious one with many an out-take and much raucous laughter.....I scripted the whole thing, so I knew who was to sing what. I was in my element, and Bill really enjoyed hearing the result. Today it serves as a fun slice of memory lane. Those who featured in this unique recording (in order of appearance) are: Andy Jack, Ali Angus, Kevin Lawrence, Brian Souter, Sean Peatfield, Janice Bailey, Jenny, Makyla Brown, Juliette Macauley, Tracey Meeks, Jennifer Busby, Heather Arden, Jill Quigley. Imagine trying to coach this lot through such a recording ! The piece was given the title, "So That's What You Were Up To !", as Bill had been wondering why I had been so busy at home for a week while he was out of action.
Fans' Medley
You Spotted Snakes
A Touch of Shakespeare
In my later life I have become quite a fan of Shakespeare, certainly the more accessible plays, and have seen many productions. I have dabbled with writing music for various parts of the plays which require it, most notably the scene from 'A Midsummer Night's Dream' where the Queen of the Fairies, Titania, is sung to sleep by all her fairies. This is a well-known piece that always features in any version of this hugely popular play, and the tune is always different. I wholheartedly feel that my version is as good as any I've heard, and I would be thrilled to bits if it were used in a production one day. It really captures the mood of the scene, and the way I am singing it was meant to represent little fairies, so that's why I sound odd, OK ! The exact same tune was given new lyrics and performed in the Muse & Music Dickensian themed Christmas show at the Jermyn Street Theatre, in December 2004, when it was renamed Christmas Lullaby.
You spotted snakes with double tongue,
Thorny hedgehogs, be not seen;
Newts and blind-worms, do no wrong,
Come not near our fairy queen.
Philomel, with melody
Sing in our sweet lullaby;
Lulla, lulla, lullaby, lulla, lulla, lullaby:
Never harm,
Nor spell nor charm,
Come our lovely lady nigh;
So, good night, with lullaby.
Weaving spiders, come not here;
Hence, you long-legg'd spinners, hence!
Beetles black, approach not near;
Worm nor snail, do no offence.